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Mercenaries 2: World in Flames is the sort of game that drives miserable people to do desperate things.

I rented it, played it for three days, then returned it, unfinished, before it was due. I did this because it ruined my self-esteem. In the realm of abusive relationships, Mercenaries 2 is the one where the other person professes his unending love, but doesn't want to be seen in public with you. This is a game that will sometimes reward you and more often subtly undermine your belief that you have a right to exist.

Beyond my hyperbole, it's a third-person shooter, like its progenitor (2005's Mercenaries: Playground of Destruction.) It's in a sandbox, much closer to Crackdown than the GTA series. You do missions for different factions, managing their moods toward you by doing jobs for them and not blowing their shit up. You get little side missions where you capture guys and blow up buildings, the latter being made way easier by to the fact that you can call in airstrikes and watch buildings and structures shatter with impressive graphical flourish.

Before I explain why this game resembles an uneven middle school romance, I've got to come clean about my baggage. I loved Mercenaries 1. Super loved it. My relationship to Mercenaries 2 is that of a widower with his second wife: I make her wear her predecessor's jewelry, style her hair the same, and generally spend the bulk of the marriage pining for a lost love. The viability of True Objectivity is part of an interesting discussion that I will do nothing to further here, because Mercenaries 2 has hurt me in a far too personal way.

The thing is, I was willing to give Mercs 2 a pass if it had just been a good-lookin' expansion pack for Mercs 1. But no. Mercs 2 is buggy and uneven. It's a rough-cut piece of lumber, unsanded and splintery, that your host expects you to sit on bare-assed. I played the 360 version, and had issues with:

• Achievements being locked after I'd fulfilled their conditions
• Missions failing abruptly for unclear reasons
• Getting stuck in invincible bushes of death
• Having my support operative tell me, every five minutes, well beyond the point where a deaf 5-year-old would've gotten the hint, that I could go back to home base to find out what to do next
• The worst AI
  

There were two updates available for the game in the first few days since it had come out, and none of these problems had been rectified. Still, were this game a person, I would argue vociferously that it wasn't, in its heart, fundamentally bad, even as it was pissing in my bushes.

Mercenaries 2 feels unoriginal, even for a sequel. Specifically, this game is Just Cause. Just Cause is a ... fuck it, Just Cause is this. And Mercenaries 2 wants to be Just Cause so bad. It has the same grapple gun, used to hitch a ride on enemy helicopters. They're both set in the same generic South American countryside, populated by citizens who speak poorly-accented English (Mercenaries is technically set in Venezuela, but the only difference I could find was that Just Cause had more water.) It even has the same first couple missions: bust this guy out of jail. Now drive this truck full of weapons somewhere while being pursued! Be careful, don't get hit too much, or your cargo will fly out and you'll get paid less!

I'm not ragging on Mercs 2 for being derivative, but for being derivative of Just Cause, a game that was not good. Not bad, just not good.

For some reason, you need to pre-buy your airstrikes in Mercs 2, whereas you could use them indefinitely (cash permitting) in Mercs 1. It's a solution to a problem that didn't exist, and can leave you in a situation without the airstrikes or item drops to solve the problem at hand. To add challenge when hijacking bigger vehicles (tanks, APCs, helicopters,) you're required to complete a little button pressing minigame every time you dismount the driver. Which would be okay, but the buttons are always the same for each vehicle type, making it more a matter of memorization than skill. In addition, it makes what used to be a seven second interlude in the mayhem now take upwards of twenty seconds.

I really want to go on. There are a lot of little things that irk me about this damn game, but it really doesn't deserve my vitriol. While it was limited, I did have fun playing Mercenaries 2. The core gameplay of blowing shit up remains enjoyable here, if muddled. Buy Mercenaries: Playground of Destruction. Y'know, the first one. It's a fantastic, well-crafted game, and you can get if for ~$12 used. Mercs 2 is a rental at best, and you may find yourself breaking up with it before the return date, just as I did.

My Judgement: Prodigal Son