A good friend once told me that the reason he used intoxicants was that his time intoxicated was the only time that he got rest from constant thoughts of sex. I intoxicate because I wished, all of my life, to become a great, wonderful hero. When I finally took the time to try and plan how to accomplish this, I realized that the person I wanted to become can't possibly exist in the world as it is. It's not a flaw in the world, or a flaw in me, but simply an inconsistency between the two that's impossible to change. I hope now and forever that I'm wrong, but whether or not it's possible, I can't find any reasonable answer to the big question: "What to do now?"
A group of people long ago believed that within the nature of reality itself, there was some horrible flaw that makes all of the injustices in the world. This flaw, so deep a part of reality, could only be excised after the end had come, and it was too late to live our lives. These people believed that, at the end, their King would return, release us from the suffering of the world, and right all of the wrongs.
What is there to do, though, while waiting?
It appears that I have chosen intoxication. Most people I've encountered feel some aspect of the broken promise believed in by that group of people to be eased when intoxicated. I don't know anymore if I should spend my time trying to achieve something that seems to be incompatible with all I've observed, or simply travel my way to some foreign land and try to start a new life, a new something, a new way to look at things. I'm tired and right now I am going to rest.
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