My body is telling me that it wants to give up. It's a feeling where you might not be drained of energy, but drained of all will to go on, no matter how insignificant the task. This might be a glimmer of survival instinct on the part of my body, or even my mind. I feel very fatigued.

At many occasions, I think about making very permanent and very hurtful breaks with good friends. I never do, completely, but I start moving in the direction where maybe I say the wrong thing (on purpose), maybe I blow them off when they need me. When I do stop, it's not out of any emotion, but from the fear of lack of resources (whatever they may be) that person may allow me access to directly or indirectly. Looking back over my previous entries, it appears that perhaps I should get some new friends or, more likely, less friends. No matter what, I am not able to deny the sadistic instinct. But what if I were to follow it? What then?

I don't like where I am. I've always had a huge urge to leave, to someplace with a different feel, a different smell, and a different mindset. Whenever this overwhelms me I have a vision, a vision that soothes me. For a while now, whenever I daydreamed of where I wanted to be, I've dreamed of Neuestadt. All of the houses are made of wood, and there's always a softness to the light. I don't want to find this place; I want to make it. I want to make a place where people just live their lives.