My body is telling me that it wants to give up. It's a feeling where you might not be drained of energy, but drained of all will to go on, no matter how insignificant the task. This might be a glimmer of survival instinct on the part of my body, or even my mind. I feel very fatigued.
At many occasions, I think about making very permanent and very hurtful breaks with good friends. I never do, completely, but I start moving in the direction where maybe I say the wrong thing (on purpose), maybe I blow them off when they need me. When I do stop, it's not out of any emotion, but from the fear of lack of resources (whatever they may be) that person may allow me access to directly or indirectly. Looking back over my previous entries, it appears that perhaps I should get some new friends or, more likely, less friends. No matter what, I am not able to deny the sadistic instinct. But what if I were to follow it? What then?
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