Neue

I need some form of blow-off, some method of dealing with the feelings I have right now. Writing here helps, but ultimately writing on a blank wall lacks the real impact that something more meaningful would impart. I'm now employed after many months in a state of uncertainty, both of my financial/professional status and of my own identity.

Now I have an recurring feeling of intense unease at work. I attribute it, superficially, to a profound sense off not belonging around my boss and the other employees. I feel sort of above it and yet sort of unqualified to do the job. I know that one can never be above doing the task put before them, but my visceral experience says that I am sort of too much and sort of not enough. I just took an examination that may allow me to qualify for a much better career, but it's hard for me to live in the 'now.' Which may be one of the reasons it's been so hard for me to start transitioning from male person to female person.

Digging deeper, I find myself afraid I'll go insane if I stay at the job. For the first time I'm seeing of my adult life as a male in microcosm, and it scares and repulses me. I feel myself being pressured constantly through the expectations of others into following this path that seems most logical for the self around which I have formed my persona, and in many ways my own expectations. Though I know some parts of my transgendered nature incontrivertibly and consistently, I can't help but feel inauthentic in my own stated self-perception of a boy who wishes to be a woman, yet is perceived as a man. It's due in large parts to being made to feel like a man very often, I believe. While I somewhat resist taking my own choices so far out of my hands, I feel like everyone around me is subtly pressuring me away from taking the individual steps towards my goal of living and (here's the important part) feeling like a woman.

And yet, now I feel truly free in subtly changing my own mental landscape towards something I could be more satisfied with. It's a confusing duality. Perhaps the resistance from other people is partially my own token resistance to the change I feel ocurring within me, which scares and excites me.

Still, happier I feel with my progress, the more I have to fragment my personality to effectively deal with the numerous situations I face daily where I'm called on to act as masculine as possible (within certain limits) or face the consequences. It keeps me in perpetual void, holding out for those moments when I feel able to exist.

Bah. Six hours until I must go to work. Think I'll go to sleep.