Beauty Hermitage

I've cataloged the thought here before, but oft I wonder what my life would look like if I skipped back into solitude. I was never the most devoted hikikomori in my teenagedom; I had friends, left the house, and worked (at certain select points). People expend extraordinary energy - I expend extraordinary energy - trying to be social. I wonder if it's worth it.

I had a weird experience with a friend last weekend. I went over to his house post- trans reveal, only to find he hadn't talked to his girlfriend about it. I'd just had this heart-wrenching conversation with him that he just seemed to want me to ignore. The guy ... I've know him for eight years now, and I never gave serious thought to telling him about my desire to start drinking Diet Coke. But my current distress has forced my hand. He's a good guy, but I think it's only because it takes less effort and leaves less room for conflict than being an asshole.

In addition, I've had some disagreements with my partner. She's been kinda shady on me coming out to her friends, despite her repeatedly assuring me of how incredibly cool they'd be. I asked her if she wanted to go see a movie with me presenting as female, we had a big fight, I told her to just go see it with her friends sans me, and she totally did. It's like, honey, I know you are a rookie at being with women and that whole transgender thing makes this hard mode, but you do not get this having a girlfriend thing at all. Whatever. I love her, but sometimes she makes me feel so rotten. Prophetic words.

    

So right now I am considering a bout of beauty hermitage. Retire from friends and general sociability, push myself deep into my work, and just let the hormones do their work over the next nine months. Stop trying to force being with people who're reticent to buddy up with non-passing ol' me, work on my voice, and start making new friends who only know post-crisis Jessica.

I know part of this is just hormones talking. I know I've cut besties out of my life before, unfairly and in haste. But I really am sick of it. I hate the process of trying to realign others' perceptions. You, Sisyphus, here, hill. I have to do it for my mom, we'll see if I can get there with the girlfriend, but ... god, I don't know, why bother? I have so little energy to focus outward right now.

I spent the day ignoring texts, and I felt great. Maybe the liberation of being alone is one of those things that fades when you have nobody to talk to, but that's how it is right now. My struggles can't be shared with anybody who'll listen.

Except you, dearest blog.

Secret Project Deep

I totally get it. I want to cram myself back into my work so I can claim my little slice of oblivion. Having too much time to consider the future and its slow slide into the present is killing me right now. I'm sitting on a homebound one-week vacation that only serves to remind me just how much I'd rather be at work. The other lady and I are here, occasionally getting at each other's throats. Funny, work keeps encroaching on my sleepy staycation, and part of me wants to let it. I don't know. I'm getting pretty bad at compartmentalizing the different parts of my life. Is this therapy?

I take all the steps that I need to in order to get the transition ball rolling. I get shot with lasers and keep doctors' appointments and practice my voice and buy clothes &c. Y'know when you fuck up in a video game and have to restart aaaaall the way from the beginning of the level? It feels like that. No matter how gratifying it is to get my self right, I can't get past the desire to be less obviously, horridly masculine right now.

This is where things get artless and my feelings become ill-expressed. I pine for androgyny, that place between the male and female where bishounen, Bowie, and Boy George intersect. It's not where I'm heading, but it would make a decent oasis between here and there. What I have right now are feminine highlights draped on a male frame, and it's just awful. Internalized transphobia, dysphoria, or aesthetic revulsion? I am totally unqualified to make that distinction. I need to see something that would assure me I've got some chance with that bugbear, passing.