Secret Project Deep

I totally get it. I want to cram myself back into my work so I can claim my little slice of oblivion. Having too much time to consider the future and its slow slide into the present is killing me right now. I'm sitting on a homebound one-week vacation that only serves to remind me just how much I'd rather be at work. The other lady and I are here, occasionally getting at each other's throats. Funny, work keeps encroaching on my sleepy staycation, and part of me wants to let it. I don't know. I'm getting pretty bad at compartmentalizing the different parts of my life. Is this therapy?

I take all the steps that I need to in order to get the transition ball rolling. I get shot with lasers and keep doctors' appointments and practice my voice and buy clothes &c. Y'know when you fuck up in a video game and have to restart aaaaall the way from the beginning of the level? It feels like that. No matter how gratifying it is to get my self right, I can't get past the desire to be less obviously, horridly masculine right now.

This is where things get artless and my feelings become ill-expressed. I pine for androgyny, that place between the male and female where bishounen, Bowie, and Boy George intersect. It's not where I'm heading, but it would make a decent oasis between here and there. What I have right now are feminine highlights draped on a male frame, and it's just awful. Internalized transphobia, dysphoria, or aesthetic revulsion? I am totally unqualified to make that distinction. I need to see something that would assure me I've got some chance with that bugbear, passing.