Biorhythm

I feel beat. Time continues on, and I become older and unwiser. I've got a job interview Monday, in my field of choice, but I can't tell whether I'm elated, full of dread, or simply nervous. Well, I know that I am nervous. Even though I don't rationally believe in karma, it feels as though my very good luck is like a cosmic loan, one which will be withdrawn if I fail to act within my own self-defined limits of goodness.

And, yesterday, I failed at that task. I hurt someone that I very deeply love because I was unable to physically and mentally restrain myself from exceeding the boundaries of our relationship. We were only two months broken up (I had ended the relationship because I felt physically unsatisfied,) and I let myself get too close to her, enjoy her warmth and presence a bit too much, and rekindled her yearning for reconciliation. I desire which I did, do in some ways reciprocate. But I can't be with her. She's but a twig and I'm a whole lotta woman. I need someone who makes me feel safe; not only does she not manage to do that, but I find myself having to assure her physical and emotional safety on a regular basis. Our friendship piques in me a bit of both maternal and paternal instinct, neither of which I desire to carry over into a physical relationship.

As I wrote this, I used an internet Book of I Ching (a ridiculous thing, though no more ridiculous than the print edition) to divine wisdom. One thing popped out at me:

At the foot of the mountain, the lake:
The image of Decrease.
Thus the superior man controls his anger
And restrains his instincts.

I can't say what it means or how/if it applies to my situation, but it sounds like sage advice, which is, I suppose, as good as anything. I've grown fat and complacent, either of which could theoretically be consequences of 5.0g conjugated estrogens in bidaily doses. I just feel so ... lazy? I'm not sure that's what it is, buy I need to get some excercise and decide on a Halloween costume. Or I could just dress up as sluttily as possible and go to a party. Halloween is our day, the holiday of we the transgendered. The one day when we can walk around with a slightly lower probability of staring or jeering or getting our asses kicked. The day when the freaks around us make us seem normal. I can't think of a denouement.

Postscript:

I've been thinking about prefacing these posts with chapter headings. It's a practice I carry over from my personal writings (daily agendas, notes, and such,) though I can't help but feel that in some way it detracts from my focus by filtering my thoughts through the mood of the title. Moreover, I'll often spend more effort on trying to create a cool title rather than the content. If it works, I will continue it. If not, it will die, but I won't erase this small blip of experimentation, despite all temptation.