I've had a trying week. I've begun to realize I push myself away friendships that I feel are ephemeral. I fear that I'll invest a lot in the interaction and lose everything, so I tend to quit and walk away. I think it's why I don't manage to make new friends easily. In social situations, I'm always overanalyzing the ways in which the situation may go wrong, and calculating my possible losses as higher than my probable gains.
Right now, I'm avoiding writing a paper due in thirteen hours. I'm also writing to try and pull inspiration from the ether. While I feel that I can craft legitimately powerful essays, my ability to do so isn't a constant. I don't tolerate mediocrity when it comes to my written works, so I'll often postpone handing in a paper rather than finishing it. While I would appreciate the ability to toggle my muse from dormant to active as the weather requires, I feel that it would lessen my ability to produce quality work. Whenever in my mind I grant myself some talent, I react with displeasure at my own perceived egotism. It's a response that I feel comes from a young age, when my precociousness was rewarded by adults and peers with both praise and scorn.
... even dubbing myself precocious sets my teeth on edge.
Tuesday, an appointment with a doctor about that very special time in a girl's life. Perseverance furthers success. I've taken to using a randomized online Book of the I Ching. It's great because I consult it for advice, twist it to mean whatever I think it should mean, do what I was already going to do, and am that much happier for it. Armchair psychology and precognition are a self-defeating combination.
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