It Will Never Be Enough

I switched to injections, and the first five days were a-w-e-s-o-m-e. But right now, a day before my shot, all I want is to get in a fight with my girlfriend, clean my house, and cry.  I've totally lost control of my eating, and now I have the addict's existential horror of watching myself backslide into my disease while feeling powerless. Which is layered on top of my weight-gain anxiety stemming from a desire to lose weight so as to hopefully maybe some day pass and not look like terrible shit forever?

All I write is dissatisfaction and regret. It's too much, too much. I love cheesy words - like the titles to these posts, which I will hand-wringingly admit to spending more time revising than the body itself. The totem made real excites me, which is why my own personal mythology centers around 90's JRPGs with a dash of anime thrown in. (My name, my real name, comes from a character in the Lunar series. I feel guilt for that.) The link between signifier and signified is always so deliciously short and strong. I'm sure Joseph Campbell began to salivate in his grave the first time Goku went Super Saiyan.

I want to write more, but I just can't. I feel too vulnerable to go off on the long, nerdy tangent I want to. Maybe later.