Neue

Solitary. I've cut myself off from everyone I know, and it feels natural. And I feel isolated, cut off from the world. Funny thing is, it's still somewhat preferable to my past contact with others. When I was young, I went for a period of 2-3 years where I had no friends. Nobody. While everyone else was practicing their social skills for use later on in life, I was practicing the key skills that have sustained me through the years: reading, playing video games, and writing every so often. Eventually, I discovered substance use; the theoretical end-all and be-all of one-person entertainment. But maybe all of that's immaterial.

I'm really not sure if I can trust people anymore. All that bitterness I wrote of, dammed within until recently, has put up a wall between myself and all of the acquaintances I had. It's a testament to my distance that I consider all of my peers to be acquaintances, I guess.

Originally, I created this blog to show some inner part of my self to the world in an anonymous way. I wanted to communicate the approximately 70% of me that never, ever gets revealed. It's easier for me to shout these things into the void than to whisper them to my closest friend.

After the third entry, it became clear to me that this, this Neue, is most useful as a tool for catharsis, not a means of communication. Every paragraph takes something from the inside, something unvoiced, and makes it real. Even as I write, I'm revealing a little bit more of my true self, whatever that is.

. . . I'm feeling down and I'm gonna stop writing now. Stop moving and look around.