Neue

Just now, I was sitting in my chair, in front of my computer, and I felt the weight of the world come crashing down onto my shoulders. I felt trapped, in a deep fog, and I realized just how hard it would be to escape.

Let's back up here.

For the past two years, it has been my operative plan to move far, far away once my eighteenth birthday came. To ... Canada. Toronto, in specific. Two weeks ago, I came back from visting Toronto for the first time, tired, sick, and with a much less optimistic appraisal of my plan than previously. I'm not moving to Canada anymore; what once seemed like a golden opportunity now looks to be just another youthful stab at a quick fix. A fix for a problem that I can't quite put a name to. A problem that just hit me like a sack of bricks.

I have no strong desire to do anything. I do have burning urges for power, strength, good looks, fast car, inner peace, high adventure, etc. All the trappings of humanity and adolescent testosterone levels. But I don't especially know what I want to do vis-a-vis achieving those goals, much less what I can do (except for strength and good looks; they seem to be the most commonly won of all the aforementioned things). I just do whatever I think is best with the choices I perceive to have in the short-term, following my id more than my ego.

I guess the questions I need to answer now go something like, "What do I really want? How can I make it happen? And how far am I willing to go?" Hell, I know that I don't need a blazingly fast car. I recognize that it would do nothing to make me ultimately happy. But the mind wants what it wants, and there's no changing that unless one can look past the short-term to see some grand design, a big picture tying everything together. I used to have a master plan: I'd hone my combat skills, then lay my life on the line every day to save the humans from themselves. Whether or not the fantasy of reaching Big Mind on the battlefield is worth the inevitable bloodshed, at least I'd get to fight. I like fighting and I hate that my everyday life entails none. It's a big part of my personality, though not intentionally; certain circumstances in my childhood welded my brain's Power/Fighting/Fatalism circuit closed, and now I crave violence as a matter of course.

It's just that I feel like a total mess whenever I look at where I'm coming from and think about where my future is headed. Before, I had infinite faith that I could always somehow bungle my way towards the right decisions in life. Now I see the timer ticking above my head, letting me know that my days are numbered. Reminding me that I can use my time in whatever way I please, and that how I utilize my time decides the course of my life. What am I to do? Where am I to go?