And I'll Never Get The Devil Outside Of Me

I've been eating like ~1400 (kilo)calories a day. Look, this post isn't about to break in a pro-ana direction or something. I like fat women. Y'know, when they don't happen to be me and built like John Candy.  I've got a spare tire that wouldn't be out of place on the back of a Grand Cherokee, and aaaaaaaaaaaaall my fat is in aaaaaaaaaaaaall the wrong places. Go go gadget anti-androgen!

I lifted weights for a few years, but I never really tried to lose weight. Let's tick down the reasons: I was worried about losing strength. Plus, it's really hard for me to lose weight because I need to get into a certain mindset and stay there. Worst of all, I was afraid that committing to ditching the fat would be this public act. Like, it would just be an embarrassing admission of the fact that I weighed 300lbs when I didn't want to, that I lacked the control over my body.

Now, I eat like a stereotype. Yogurt, rice cakes, fruit, and tomato soup. Having the diet of a Sex and the City character, like many of aspects of culturally acceptable femininity, both makes me feel a bit better and a bit worse. Like, I've assimilated! But also, I've been assimilated. So, is this me, or just a ruse to make myself feel better.

Anyway.

This is a bit messed up, but it feels liberating to reject my body. I spent years trying to just be all zen about having a body I didn't like, and in retrospect that all just feels like wasted time. Fuck that. Use your unhappiness. Make it work for you. Have the courage to kill the parts of yourself that you truly hate.