Neue

Well, today's update shall be briefness itself. While recent entries have taken my verbosity to a new height, I don't think that constancy is a good thing for one's writing. As I grow, this Neue grows, too. It's a good feeling.

Alienation, eh. Yesterday I told my best friend that I'm starting the transition from man to woman. Wait, let's go back.

I remember coming out to him. When coming out to a straight guy, as a rule, you really should expect the worst. Not from Nick, though. While it took some time for him to get used to it, he was pretty supportive. You know, I felt so comfortable being myself around him. I would go to his house, sprawl out on his couch, let his little sister paint my nails, and rest. No need to force normality. I could just be weird and perky and happy.

Okay, Fast Forward now. To the present. He tried to talk me out of it, tell me that I just need therapy, explain that I don't really understand the decision I've made. It's the worst when you can pinpoint the exact moment where something falls apart. It was that kind of conversation.

Look, the upshot is that my best friend, my confidant told me that he didn't know if he could continue our relationship, accept my "weirdness". An arrow, a blow straight to the heart. I didn't really trust him to support me through everything; he's not especially responsive to the needs of others. But I wanted, maybe needed, so desperately for him to try to understand. I've spent a good three years of my life in a close relationship with him; I thought that he might be able to look past all the cosmetic, stupid shit and realize that I am me, irrespective of anything else.

It wouldn't hurt quite as much if I hadn't loved him. It's a word people throw around like so much oblong confetti, but, dammit, I would've traded my happiness to give him whatever he needed. The worst feeling in the world, I think, is realizing that someone you love doesn't love you. Maybe I assumed too much thinking that he felt like I did. I guess that's the burden of a woman's heart - loving a man who doesn't, can't love you back.

The situation has yet to reach its conclusion, but I'm not holding my breath. Whether or not he loves me enough to get past it, I've learned a sadly valuable lesson. I can count on no one to support me as long as I pursue life as a gender deviant. I always knew the day would come when I'd have to abandon my old life and everyone within it, but I never quite imagined it would happen like this.

I feel like the hero in every RPG I've ever played, right on the cusp of being thrown out of the idyllic bliss of his hometown and into a violent world. For the hero, entering the world of uncertainty and risk is the only way to grow to his innate potential. I dream of it: the constant struggle, the uphill battle leading to acquiring some fragment of the ultimate primal power. The power to defeat any enemy, to transorm oneself. This knowledge will stay with me no matter what. I can't kill myself, I can't deny myself, I can't stop now. I've got to plunge into the darkness, travel through the land of twilight to the paradise of the complete self.

God, I feel so much better now. I guess it's time to go back to dealing with the real world.