Neue

Desperation and sin.
Sin and desperation.
I am getting desperate. Sitting and waiting has become my forté, "Wait for change" my motto. It's surprising how effective waiting for a bad situation to resolve itself is. Effective, but not at all satisfying. Now, in theory, if you wait for a bad situation to turn into a good one, the situation itself can get better or worse. For me, usually better. But there's a downside: things always become less interesting. If you sit around long enough to wait for the ideal situation to occur you'll just wind up with less time and more bills.
I think I might have a strong will, but I've never really tested it. Instead of force myself to bear some hardship, I subconsciously put myself in situations where I have no choice but to endure said hardship. It's weird. Even now, I'm trying to do the same thing to get myself into a different situation. Danger doesn't matter at this point. Wait, no, let me clarify that: danger does matter. Any truly constructive effort, any process that really matters, entails danger. Peril. Otherwise people would make real, meaningful accomplishments

every

day.

Every personal psychological discovery comes at the danger of the person seeing themselves as they are in truth. What could happen then? At the time, to those contemplating facing their demons, it feels as if one's very self will vanish from existence. I'm feeling like that now. If I can't change something big now . . .
No. I choose not to live that reality. I will make a different one.