Beauty Hermitage

I've cataloged the thought here before, but oft I wonder what my life would look like if I skipped back into solitude. I was never the most devoted hikikomori in my teenagedom; I had friends, left the house, and worked (at certain select points). People expend extraordinary energy - I expend extraordinary energy - trying to be social. I wonder if it's worth it.

I had a weird experience with a friend last weekend. I went over to his house post- trans reveal, only to find he hadn't talked to his girlfriend about it. I'd just had this heart-wrenching conversation with him that he just seemed to want me to ignore. The guy ... I've know him for eight years now, and I never gave serious thought to telling him about my desire to start drinking Diet Coke. But my current distress has forced my hand. He's a good guy, but I think it's only because it takes less effort and leaves less room for conflict than being an asshole.

In addition, I've had some disagreements with my partner. She's been kinda shady on me coming out to her friends, despite her repeatedly assuring me of how incredibly cool they'd be. I asked her if she wanted to go see a movie with me presenting as female, we had a big fight, I told her to just go see it with her friends sans me, and she totally did. It's like, honey, I know you are a rookie at being with women and that whole transgender thing makes this hard mode, but you do not get this having a girlfriend thing at all. Whatever. I love her, but sometimes she makes me feel so rotten. Prophetic words.

    

So right now I am considering a bout of beauty hermitage. Retire from friends and general sociability, push myself deep into my work, and just let the hormones do their work over the next nine months. Stop trying to force being with people who're reticent to buddy up with non-passing ol' me, work on my voice, and start making new friends who only know post-crisis Jessica.

I know part of this is just hormones talking. I know I've cut besties out of my life before, unfairly and in haste. But I really am sick of it. I hate the process of trying to realign others' perceptions. You, Sisyphus, here, hill. I have to do it for my mom, we'll see if I can get there with the girlfriend, but ... god, I don't know, why bother? I have so little energy to focus outward right now.

I spent the day ignoring texts, and I felt great. Maybe the liberation of being alone is one of those things that fades when you have nobody to talk to, but that's how it is right now. My struggles can't be shared with anybody who'll listen.

Except you, dearest blog.