I always return here. How could I not? You, my dear journal, the record of me.
A crossroads is coming up. Du mußt dein leben ändern - you must change your life. The walls appear to be closing in on my life here in the USA. We talk about fascism and blah blah blah but it's really the same as it's always been but more. Racism but saying the quiet part loud. Reaganomics squared. The Moral Majority but more. I go back and forth. Is it better to ensure my own survival by leaving, making a new life elsewhere? Is that just an exercise of privilege? When I was 19, I wanted to move to Canada because it would be easier to transition there. Maybe I should've, maybe I should now.
But I have kids here now - not my genetic offspring, or even adoptees, but people who rely on me to varying extents. Part of the allure of leaving is to go somewhere where I don't have a web of responsibilities, where no one looks to me for guidance. A new life, but a regression. As much as I feel it's part of my identity, sometimes I resent having to be the rock for others when I don't feel like I have a fixed point to anchor myself to. It kinda sucks being the final authority in your own life, as much as it is a freedom.
So, my dilemma. I don't want to leave my home - fuck the USA, I love Chicago. There's black people here, it's lit! Still, it could be good for me to put down roots somewhere else. Learn a new place, see some new sights. Understand new racisms, meet new parts of the diaspora.
I will find a way to survive. Maybe even thrive, goddess willing.
