On Enduring Constant Thoughts of Being Raped

I feel the guilt and shame. It's a flat board on my chest that keeps getting heavier. If I intentionally put myself in dangerous situations where I end up getting raped - is that my fault? Will my family and friends blame me? Will they leave?

There's this rush of nihilistic freedom when I'm thinking about being raped. It completes me, makes everything smell like danger. When there's a hand on my neck, time progresses differently. Everything is always Now. The world consists of only me and the person who's in control of me. Simple.

I know I can survive nearly anything. That fact honestly kind of scares me. If it happens - if I get raped again - I know I'll probably still be alive to deal with whatever comes after. The fear that comes along with that thought runs into my bones.