I sit in my basement, downloading music, passing time. Trying to keep within the frail bubble of eternity that exists between midnight and five am. It's quiet, and in the quiet I find peace. I was moved to write via interpretation of the I Ching. But that's a lie, as I needed to write; whatever internal mechanism I have that prods me to spill thought to medium has been tripped, and I have words that ache to ravage the page. I feel to calm to write ardently right now, so this entry shall be as blissfully lazy as possible.
Even though I take them for granted, the changes that have been taking place in both my body and mind are pleasurably painful. My skin feels especially soft and sensitive, which leaves me more prone to injury. I always said to my therapist, "Humankind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return." An old animé phrase. The first rule of alchemy. But is it worth it? I don't know. I'm tempted to just say 'yes,' as that would validate all of the efforts I've put into getting this point. I'm very satisfied with the way I feel, but with that comes the fear that I won't be able to defend myself when I need to. The feeling of power beyond the restriction of authority is intoxicating. And corrupting.
It all comes back to the mental conflict that I felt embroiled in as an adolescent: shall I be good or evil? It's a culturally weighted question. All the movies, books, and TV shows I've consumed in my life instruct that evil is nice, but good is just better. Evil is attractive, though. The dark side of the force, of human emotion, promises that you get to wear black all the time and swear even to teachers and priests.
... I've failed to write with blissful laziness. The words become forced as the quiet peace goes to its grave. The sound of clanking machinery and stirring life somehow set me at odds with myself. If only I could get a job where I didn't have to be near people. Ah, it's all a waste to want for such improbabilities; best to make do with the best I can get. I'll write again soon.
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